That’s the question my therapist challenged me with yesterday. What if all the assumptions and perceptions I have about myself are wrong? What if everything I see in a negative light is actually a positive and I’ve been to dense to see it? Just the thought of it fills me with this sick sense of dread and feelings of panic. It’s almost as if some part of me deep, deep down knows she’s right, which would mean everything I’ve dealt with and felt over the last 6 years has been a lie.
Just thinking about it that way makes me want to keel over and wail with grief at all the things I missed out on over the last few years. I’m not doing that, but part of me wants to. So how do I start challenging these thoughts I have about myself? Of course the first step is asking myself ‘What if I’m wrong?”, but then what? Will it eventually turn to, “I’m not thinking this through rationally, I’m probably seeing things the wrong way?”. All I know is right now I’m terrified to over analyze my beliefs about the world. .
I feel so unprotected and weak at the moment, I don’t want one more thing to come out and knock me down and back into a depression. And I don’t know why, but I feel like this could be the hardest challenge I’ve ever attempted, and it has the power to be so. Why this? Why not talking about all the abuse I went through as a child? Maybe THAT will be worse, my therapist says I haven’t really dealt with any of that at all.
All I know right now is that all this psychoanalysis of Tricia is wearing me down. I leave therapy feeling exhausted from trying to think, and frustrated because I feel like I’m not making any progress. I get nervous before therapy because I’m unsure about what emotions are going to be dredged up. I worry about being pushed too far and ending back up in the hospital, and then I worry that maybe that would be best because there at least I’d be able to work on these issues even harder and maybe get more accomplished. I feel guilty even admitting that because no normal person wants to be in the hospital, right? I guess that makes me certifiably crazy then.
I learned another question that was good to ask in situations is “Will this hold up in a court of law?” The problem with that is I have a nagging in the back of my head screaming “Reasonable doubt! Reasonable doubt!”, so it’s hard to use that one with my life and wondering if I’m seeing things as they actually are.
So, the question of the day today (and probably for many tomorrows) is, “What if I’m wrong?” How would you feel if presented with this question. Please, leave your response in the comments below.