Day 27: How am I feeling?

I’ve seriously been neglecting my blog. 31 blogs in 31 days was a pretty epic fail. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of success or of achieving anything, so I doom myself to failure, all the time. But that’s another story, another time.

How am I feeling? Why is that such a hard question to answer? Can’t normal people do a quick assessment and just know? Why don’t I know? Why do I dig and dig and dig, but still aren’t sure about my emotions? Why are they so stifled? I know I’ve written about this before, but it bears a repeat because it’s actually really important to me. I want to feel.

I can feel negative emotions and recognize them fairly easily, but positive emotions are a lot harder to get to. I can’t associate anything with them. I was talking to Josh today about how I had a lot less issues when we first got together, and he told me that wasn’t true, I just wasn’t as aware of them. I’ve never thought of it that way before. I know I’m a lot more reserved now, to the point of standoffishness, but I thought I was happy back then. Josh says it was a false happiness, more of a deluded happiness. It makes sense, in a way. And maybe what I’m going through now is normal. I mean, I was on a manic high for years, maybe I’m just going to be in a more depressed state for years too.

It’s all so foggy though. Why is my life so hard to remember? Why are the memories so elusive, so dim? My short-term memory is pretty good, but long term…that’s shot.

This is quickly turning into quite the confusing post, and just when I thought I had this writing thing down. Well, I can’t help I’m in all sorts of a mixed emotional state tonight, lol. I’m pondering a lot of deep things, and they just trigger more questions than answers. Which I then type out as they come to mind. I’m slow going on the keyboard tonight, usually the words just flow naturally through my fingers, and I can type a post pretty quickly, but tonight I’m struggling for each sentence.

It could be exhaustion. I am pretty tired. We visited my sister-in-law last night, and didn’t get home until around 2 AM. And then I couldn’t get to sleep until around 4. I’m definitely going to bed much earlier tonight. Then maybe I’ll be able to write more coherently tomorrow. Maybe sleeping will be easier now that I’ve vented about not feeling things normally again. It’s been rough the last few nights, even with the Seroquel. Which I certainly didn’t take last nite, I’d never have gotten up this morning otherwise.

So right now, I’m feeling tired. And spent. But not irritated. And not depressed. I had a pretty good day for the most part, I did some shopping, watched Dark Knight Rises, took the oldest to the park, and saw Iron Man 3, again. Robert Downey Jr. always cheers me up. Has anyone else ever wondered if he was possibly bipolar? Not that I’d wish this on anyone, but I’d love it if he were. At least, if he’d come out in the open with it and embrace it as part of himself. Or maybe it’s just the characters he likes to play, who knows? I watch him act, and watch the characters he plays, and I always wonder. I mean, watch him in Sherlock Holmes, or in Iron Man, doesn’t he seem to be running totally manic? I love his portrayal of the craziness we feel inside. At least he’s not making people with mental illness look like gun slinging psychopaths. You know, like the news seems to want to portray us.  But I’m definitely digressing here.

I’m going back to how I’m feeling. I’m feeling good I think. I’ll take that for the time being and just accept and embrace the positive emotion.

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One thought on “Day 27: How am I feeling?

  1. Hey! you don’t have to always have a direction when writing. Writing itself is the direction. 🙂 I get lost in my posts all the time, lol

    good luck my friend!

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