How can you advocate when you want to be dead?

I’ve felt so sick today  and I hate my life because I’ve had zero energy to care after the kids or to even tend them really. And all I’ve wanted was to lay down and spend the day sleeping. I want to die. I wish I had the means because right now I feel so completely useless in this world of mine that I’d rather no longer be in it. I’m not making positive changes in anyone’s lives, I’m more like a waste of space. My advocacy dreams keep ending up being just that,…dreams, Dealing with 4 kids and a busy husband, my volunteer efforts come last. And it sucks. I have nothing for me and it hurts in a way. I just want this hurting to stop.

 

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Why can’t I cry?

Why can’t I open up? It’s like I have no emotion in me, but I know, deep down, that I do have it in there…somewhere. I know I’m not a sociopath, regardless of how many people want to believe that (there’s just one that I know of), but I feel like I should feel more deeply than I do. I feel like my writing is so blah because I can’t tap into that inner emotion that’s just hovering below the surface. I know it’s there, I just have to get it out. I can cry at dumb things, like when I’m on the phone with the IRS and they’re being so unhelpful, the waterworks definitely turn on then, but when I’m in therapy and discussing majorly traumatizing life issues, there’s no tears. No emotion. My therapist says I always have a very flat affect when she sees me, but how do I change that? How do I let down my guard with her? 

What is wrong with me? Why am I so hard to fix? I don’t feel broken beyond repair, but I certainly feel broken. What is it going to take for me to finally open up in therapy and get to the bottom of my emotional stumbling blocks? 

Maybe I’ll take in some of the worksheets from when I was inpatient, the ones that upset me the most, and we can work on those, and try to discover what my triggers are. I just feel that what I’m doing now isn’t working…but my therapist says I set myself up to fail because I feel I should already be at point Z when my body and mind are still just barely dealing with point W. She says I am my own worst critic. I think I can agree with that.

Anyone out there have any sage words of advice for me? What can I do to find my emotions…while on meds? I can certainly find them when I’m off them, but I don’t think anyone wants that…right now I don’t even want that. I may hate suffering from this creative block, but it’s better than being inpatient again. At least out here I can blog, lol. 

Sp any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated, I love the comments I get from yu guys, it really helps make this an interactive experience for me, and I love it.