Day 15: Let it go already!

I’m finally dealing with it. My second to last schema. It;s been haunting me, and I’ve been avoiding it, but tonight I’m going to talk about the Unrelenting Standard/ Hypercriticalness schema. Remember, Unrelenting Standards or Hypercriticalness refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self esteem. Usually these people’s parent were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

Oh boy does this schema hit a chord with me. Maybe that’s why I’ve struggled so hard to finally write about it and work through the issues surrounding it. I have exceptionally high standards for myself, and hold others to the same, which if they were actually able to meet, then it would mean the second Coming had occurred and we were all finally perfect. I’m so bad that I give myself a nervous breakdown over the state of the house. The laundry overwhelms me to the point of tears. The dishes overwhelm me into hysterics. My living room overwhelms me to where I’m hiding in my room under the covers crying. I can’t start small, and so it is insurmountable. That’s my black and white thinking problem., I can’t even start to find a solution to a problem if I can’t see an end to it at the end of the tunnel. It’s taken months of therapy for me to slowly come to terms with the fact that this is not a black or white area of life. There is grey here. My house doesn’t need to be absolutely spotless, but the cockroaches don’t need to feel at home either..

And of course I’m my own worst critic. I’ve complained that I don’t know enough people. I think if I could get a feel for what other people’s houses looked like, I might be more okay with mine because I could gauge how close to the middle ground mine was. But since I have only Martha Stewart magazines and TV houses to go off of, I constantly think my house is falling entirely too short in how it should look. 
I could laugh this off as a horrid quirk of mine, but it extends to other aspects of my life as well that have more far reaching consequences. I have such high expectations for my children, and I don’t know if they’re reasonable (read: healthy) or not. My therapist has really worked with me on trying to see my children as they are, and not as mini adults, but it’s taken a lot of time to even try to see some slight improvement in this area. Let’s take my son for example. He’s 3. And he makes Max from Where the Wild Things Are  look positively tame. I’ve been at my wits end more than a time or two because he just doesn’t listen; He’s run out in to a parking lot and roads more than once. He’s gotten lost at the store more frequently than I’d like to admit. He’s been disciplined so many times I’m ashamed to give a number there. I was convinced he’s ADHD because of how wild he is, but I finally broke down and took a Positive Discipline class, which focuses on the Love and Logic curriculum, which other things added in. Between that class and therapy, our relationship has really started to improve.  Another thing I do to try and help my relationship with my son is to watch other mums who have sons that are my little boy’s age. I watch what these boys do, how the parents react, and what they let go and what they don’t. 
So that’s just one example of where being hypercriticical is probably providing years of income for a therapist some years down the road from now. And then there’s my oldest. She is the most amazing, sweetest, kindest, lovable, responsible, snarkiest, brattiest, empathetic, wondrous 12 year old you will ever meet. I read Laura Ingalls Wilder as a child, and again as a young adult and was very impressed by all that the Ingalls children did and were responsible for. I made the decision that my children were going to have real responsibilities and chores like that because I wanted them to grow up with a sense of pride, accomplishment, and lack of entitlement in their world. So my 12 year old is responsible for tending her younger siblings when need be, and has been responsible for them since she was 10, she is responsible for her own laundry, and she has the garbage and dishes are her two chores she does regularly, with mowing the lawn and other chores added in as needed. I hope I’m doing well by her and not creating a terrible monster who will need years of therapy by the time she’s an adult.

So those are a few examples of how the unrelenting standards schema affects me. If you relate to it, what does it do to you? Do you see any of yourself in this schema? As usual, let me know in the comments! 


Day 11: Thankful Thursday!

It’s my favorite blog day! Thankful Thursday! So what am I grateful for today? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so let me show you!

Day 6: A not so ordinary day…no schema therapy today :):

I think writing all these posts are dragging me down because I’ve really been struggling to stay ‘upbeat and positive’ the last few days. I’ve been sleeping more, and dragging more, and had a lot less motivation to get things accomplished. Everyone has been complaining about it, my husband is upset at the state of the house, my mum thinks I’m spiraling into a depression, and I feel like the world is blah. I’ve got to keep plugging along though, if I can just pull through I think it will ultimately be beneficial.

So we’ve discussed my mistrust/abuse schema, and the defectiveness/shame schema. I feel like I’ve made excellent progress in understanding them and myself better, but today I’ll work on another topic and ponder on the ways I can change how I view the world.

This has been a hard day for me to write and keep on going with the schema topic. I haven’t mentioned this before because it hasn’t come up, but my husband was told that he was losing his job 3 weeks ago. He had a year to find new employment or else he could relocate to Oregon and work there. Well, my husband didn’t like those options, so he brushed off the dust on his resume, sent it out, had some interviews and just got offered a job today! We’re so excited, but I’m petrified at the same time.

It’s an awesome pay raise, which our family could use, seeing as we’ve been barely scraping by, but the thing that scares me the most is the insurance changes. You see, I’m quite involved with how our insurance works, due to my extensive health problems and such. We have excellent benefits, and thanks to my hospital stay back in March, we maxed out our of pocket out early in the year. So we paid nothing for doctor visits and don’t (or didn’t) have to pay anything until the end of the year. 

Now that Josh is changing jobs, I’m suddenly forced to make a command decision on which of the two insurance options I should go with, which is best for our family, and what is going to be most cost effective in the long run. It’s a lot of pressure to be under, and I can’t get any answers from BCBS until Monday when they are open again. So I get to spend all weekend stewing and worrying about stuff until I can get my questions answered.

The one thing I’d like to emphasize here has nothing to do with insurance, or pay raises, or any mundane things like that. I’ve been worried about the job thing for the last 3 weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer pondering this matter and praying for a miracle to happen. I never lost sight of the fact that God works on his own time, and I had to go about patiently doing my part while I waited for him to answer my prayer, but I still kept the faith that God had heard my pleadings and would ultimately open a door that led to what was best for us. And he did! 

I know from hard experience not all prayers are answered in 3 weeks, or answered so clearly, but this is such a blessing for our family.

It is creating some stresses for us because he will now be commuting to work whereas before he worked 3 minutes away. We only have one car that is fit for that kind of driving, but it is also the only car that will fit our entire family, so we’d be stranded at home all day if he were to take that car. We want to eventually move closer to his job and there is a house that is practically begging us to move into it, but our lease here isn’t up until March. I would love to see if our landlords would let us break our lease, but we can’t afford to lose our deposit. I know it wouldn’t be difficult at all to find new tenants here, our neighbor just rented her house out and it took less than 2 weeks for her to find someone appropriate to move in. First world problems eh?

This wouldn’t be a big deal if we didn’t have 2 kids in grade school and our lease being up in the middle of the school year. The other thing that saddens me is the fact that I love our ward, I love our home (even if it is a bit cramped at the moment, lol), and I especially love the school the kids go to. I guess I need to spend more time on my knees to get help in working out this conundrum, eh? 

Not to be all preachy, but I know I’m nothing without the help of my Heavenly Father, and it helps keep humble…or at least I try to stay humble. I struggle at times, just like every other mortal, but miracles like these only increase my faith and help strengthen my testimony. I hope that this story can help you see the hand of God in all things, and be reminded that He loves you just as much as he loves my family, and He’s there waiting for you to turn to Him when you need Him.

I’ve loved each and every one fo you who have taken the time to read my blog and especially those of you who have taken the time to comment. I know your lives get busy, so I especially appreciate you. What’s going on in your life right now? Good or bad, I want to know. Let me be a listening ear in addition to just a mouth on the web.

I don’t mean to neglect you but…

My life is so crazy right now! Take my day for example…it has been so incredibly busy! I had  to go shopping, get gas, find a pharmacy that carried the right brand of meds for me (because my inusrance would only pay for generic Adderall carried by Activus, so 6 pharmacies later, I finally found one in Orem), take my oldest to karate and baseball,  and yet completely forgot about t-ball practice for my 5 year old 😦 Hopefully she’s not too affected in her game on Saturday.

AND I met with my doctor and we did have some major med changes, and the change in cost is terrible! Hopefully it’s for the greater good though, right? I’m now off Concerta and on Adderall, my Trileptal was bumped from 600 mg to 1200 mg, and I switched from Ambien to Lunesta (by far the costliest switch, which I’ll change again next month because I can’t afford to keep that one going) and we added Xanax back as a PRN. So some definite changes, but hopefully I’ll be doing a lot better soon!

I also am hopeful the stress of being so busy will slow down soon too! I need my downtime becase as you can see. my blog is seriously suffering because of how busy my life is!

So just know you’re not forgotten, summer is just turning into pure madness! I still love all you loyal readers and appreciate your patronage on my page!

I’m still planning on telling you all about my vacay, and how my med switch is going, among other fun things as soon as I have a spare 5 minutes!

Hugs to you all,