Forever of no blogging!

I’ve been a seriously bad girl when it comes to taking care of my blog this past few months. It’s been rough though, I’ve had some really hard days in there, and I didn’t feel like blogging. Insane, right? I love blogging, but I hate blogging when I’m super depressed or down I discovered. I try to be a cheerful upbeat person, and when my blogs can’t show that person, I’ve got nothing.

I’m only blogging today because guilt has been nagging at me over letting my blog get all old and gray. Plus, I’ve got some really good stuff going on right now that I want to share. I hate bullies. Did you know that? And I won’t put up with them. I even put together a PowerPoint presentation and took it to my daughter’s school to talk about bullying and how you could be one to stop it. The teachers loved it so much they recommended that I show it to the 5th and 4th grades as well, and even encouraged me to show other schools. It was exhilarating and terrifying both at the same time. Part of me didn’t want to go through with it because I knew it would be an epic fail, the other part of me was stoked to finally be presenting the information to the kids. The excited part of me won out, and I showed up and presented what I had, obviously, lol.

And, in other news, I had an amazing spiritual experience today and I’m sharing with you guys. I’m not one to be easily touched by the Spirit (or whatever you call it, nor do I cry easily at things, but I saw a talk given today that had me in tears, it was so beautiful. I’m Mormon, and this was in what we call General Conference. It talks about mental illness and what we can do to help and support those living with it

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2013-10-2070-elder-jeffrey-r-holland?lang=eng

Racing thoughts and stubborn ideas at 3 AM are never fun…some of the time.

I can’t sleep for some odd reason. I woke up with the hug desire to watch Sarah Palin and Tina Fey on SNL. Also, I’m hungry. I’ve been searching for both episodes where Tina Fey did Sarah Palin, but I can only find the first one, and even THAT was a pain, lol. Now that I’ve gotten to watch it, maybe I can fix myself a sammich and get back to sleep…It’s nigh on 4 AM here!

Sometimes the best finds are from complete mistakes

Remember that song I posted yesterday? I was originally searching for this song here…

I spent hours trying to figure out the right song and listening to tens of different songs. I finally found the right one, but I discovered that one as well.

I remember this one time in the hospital, I was desperately searching for a poem, and I could only remember the slightest part of it, and I had it mixed up with another poem to boot. The nurses didn’t have the time to help me find the poem, but Josh spent a good 2 hours on the phone with me searching for the poem in my head.

It was Robert Frost all along, and I had thought that at first, but it never sounded right…until I heard the end, which is my favorite part.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep

Sometimes I wonder if Josh is really my soul mate. He knows me better then I know me. He knows how to pull me out of my funks usually. He knows when I’m out of control, or about to go out of control…even when I don’t say a word. Is that enough for a soul mate? I don’t know…maybe it is.

 

I got half a mind to scream out loud…I got half a mind to die…

I hadn’t heard that song in YEARS until today when I put in one of my super old CDs on during our ride to Fort Bridger, WY.

So how have things been?

Not so great, but I’m hanging in there, Slightly anyway. Josh said if going to Bridger didn’t help perk me up, he was committing my dumb ass. Woohoo for loving husbands!

But for right now, I am actually feeling better. Two nights ago when I took a couple to many pills wasn’t such a great moment, but hey, it’s over and done with. I’m bipolar, I’m going to make my mistakes here and there, and although it’s taken me a few days to start feeling normal, no harm, no foul with that.

I’ve discovered that more people I ever imagined are reading my blog and finding something from it. Josh read this book, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and I’m reading it too now and it talks about how you have to have a sense of purpose for your suffering, right? And if you can understand why you suffer, then you find meaning in life. And he says that I’ve taken my suffering from being bipolar and turned it into this blog, which gives me meaning and purpose for living. It doesn’t seem very glamorous or life changing, my purpose just is to blog about the ups and downs of bipolar disorder, but maybe he’s right. Maybe here in my small corner of the world, I am making a difference by writing about living with this. I may never be a famous, world renowned writer, bu I know people are reading what I have to say, and gaining something from it. I can survive on that for now.

Here’s that song for anyone who’s interested, btw 🙂

How can you advocate when you want to be dead?

I’ve felt so sick today  and I hate my life because I’ve had zero energy to care after the kids or to even tend them really. And all I’ve wanted was to lay down and spend the day sleeping. I want to die. I wish I had the means because right now I feel so completely useless in this world of mine that I’d rather no longer be in it. I’m not making positive changes in anyone’s lives, I’m more like a waste of space. My advocacy dreams keep ending up being just that,…dreams, Dealing with 4 kids and a busy husband, my volunteer efforts come last. And it sucks. I have nothing for me and it hurts in a way. I just want this hurting to stop.