Research Studies and Inadvertently Meeting a Favorite Author!

So I’m very interested in clinical trials.

I’m a stay at home mum, and occasionally I qualify for one that can pay a little money and I can help contribute to society.

I was checking out the various trials that the NIMH puts out, and I noticed there was one being done for children who suffer from depression but have not been diagnosed as bipolar disorder yet…which is my daughter in a nutshell. I started reading about it, and I read that the person putting on on the study was David Miklowitz, He happens to be a favorite author of mine, he’s written some amazing work for bipolar patients, including  “The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide”. That is a book that changed my life. It is such a great read, and it has so much good information for a newly diagnosed beeper, or a long time beeper like myself. I learned so much while reading it, and was really able to implement a lot of it into my life.

Anywho, unfortunately since we live in Utah and the study was being done in California, we weren’t eligible for it, but he was kind enough to offer me his new book he’s written about dealing with bipolar children. I seriously felt honored to get the chance to talk to him and tell him how much his book had changed my life for the better.

So although yesterday wasn’t a great day for finding a new research study to participate in, I did get the chance to talk to someone who has inspired my life, and that’s always cooler than finding any old research study, any day.The-Bipolar-Disorder-Survival-Guide



Why can’t I stay on my meds?

This is a serious question, and a serious problem. There are a lot of people out there with bipolar disorder that are non compliant with their medications, or abusing their medications.

I fall into the former category, unfortunately, I’m terrible about staying on my meds. I usually go about 6-9 months, and start feeling pretty good…and then I start missing a day here or there. And then a week here or there. The next thing you know, I’ve been off my meds for 3 months and I’m headed into a spiral that only leads me to the hospital.

So how do I stop this spiraling pitfall of devastation? I wish I knew. If I knew, I’d probably be a millionaire. WHat I personally do is have checks and balances. My husband is one check. He asks me almost daily if I’m taking my meds, and I’m honest with him. There’s no point to lying to him, it’ll just cause more trouble down the road. If I seem to not be doing so well, he’ll have me put in a call to my doctor, who is really great about calling back. My mum asks me a lot if I’m staying on my meds as well. 

I mean, I know it all is ultimately my responsibility to take my meds, but having a good support system makes it much more likely that I’ll stay in full compliance. I’ve been taking my meds regularly since March, and I don’t foresee me quitting them anytime in the near future, so maybe with all this help, I’ll finally break that brutal habit. 

Fingers crossed eh?

What do you have control over in your life?

I know I’ve been a total slacker on my blog the last week, but I have not been even slightly motivated to write…and well, when you’re not motivated to write, you don’t write.

Life has gotten in the way of my happiness again, ironically enough, so here I am, writing about it. My therapist has urged me to write about what I have control over in my life, and what I do not. You see, we’re in a bit of a financial pickle, and it’s causing me lots of emotional pain. We bought a new car because our old one died on us, but the down payment they wanted was just slightly out of our price range (not to mention the car payment, we’ve got refinance ASAP)…and then my dear husband got less than half a check on his final check, and he only got one check this month, and just money problems have over taken every aspect of my day.

My therapist spent a lot of time talking to me today about what of this situation I can control, and what I can’t. I can control how I react to it. I can still get out of bed everyday and take care of my kids and the house. I can still pay my tithing and have faith in our loving Heavenly Father to continue to provide for us, and trust that he knows what’s best for our family.  I can look for ways to bring in small amounts of income, or other ways to cut down our debt to help out with expenses.

On the flip side…I could be crying my eyes out…I could be lying in bed ignoring the world, I could be making things more stressful on my husband than things already are. I’ll admit I’ve spent more tie in bed the last few days than has probably been good for me, but that’s partly due to a medication change that’s kicked my butt. I’m feeling better now though, and I’m working hard to catch up on all the laundry and dishes and cleaning that 4 days of doing nothing will all accumulate in a house.

I even went shopping today and bought some house cleaning supplies that we were in dire need of, lol. I’m almost excited to get started on the cleaning party that’s going on here tomorrow. We’ll have a clean house for maybe 3 days because Heckle and Jeckle will be going to Grandma’s.

So all I really have control over right now is my attitude toward the difficulties we’re facing at the moment. And my actions toward my husband are something I can control as well. I can be more loving, and supportive of him as we transition into this new phase of our lives.

So what advice do you have for us? How can I support my husband better? How can I keep my attitude more positive, even when I don’t want to keep it positive? What has helped you do so in the past? Let me know in the comments below!

The weak customer chooses the understandable rack.

Random eh? I’m trying to get a blogging gig, and they want me to type a random sentence in to prove this is my I’m proving it, lol. If any of you guys know of any sites that pay bloggers for blogs about mental health, I’d make a post especially for you, interview style, with every good feature you have about you posted on my blog for the world to see 🙂

Day 27: How am I feeling?

I’ve seriously been neglecting my blog. 31 blogs in 31 days was a pretty epic fail. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of success or of achieving anything, so I doom myself to failure, all the time. But that’s another story, another time.

How am I feeling? Why is that such a hard question to answer? Can’t normal people do a quick assessment and just know? Why don’t I know? Why do I dig and dig and dig, but still aren’t sure about my emotions? Why are they so stifled? I know I’ve written about this before, but it bears a repeat because it’s actually really important to me. I want to feel.

I can feel negative emotions and recognize them fairly easily, but positive emotions are a lot harder to get to. I can’t associate anything with them. I was talking to Josh today about how I had a lot less issues when we first got together, and he told me that wasn’t true, I just wasn’t as aware of them. I’ve never thought of it that way before. I know I’m a lot more reserved now, to the point of standoffishness, but I thought I was happy back then. Josh says it was a false happiness, more of a deluded happiness. It makes sense, in a way. And maybe what I’m going through now is normal. I mean, I was on a manic high for years, maybe I’m just going to be in a more depressed state for years too.

It’s all so foggy though. Why is my life so hard to remember? Why are the memories so elusive, so dim? My short-term memory is pretty good, but long term…that’s shot.

This is quickly turning into quite the confusing post, and just when I thought I had this writing thing down. Well, I can’t help I’m in all sorts of a mixed emotional state tonight, lol. I’m pondering a lot of deep things, and they just trigger more questions than answers. Which I then type out as they come to mind. I’m slow going on the keyboard tonight, usually the words just flow naturally through my fingers, and I can type a post pretty quickly, but tonight I’m struggling for each sentence.

It could be exhaustion. I am pretty tired. We visited my sister-in-law last night, and didn’t get home until around 2 AM. And then I couldn’t get to sleep until around 4. I’m definitely going to bed much earlier tonight. Then maybe I’ll be able to write more coherently tomorrow. Maybe sleeping will be easier now that I’ve vented about not feeling things normally again. It’s been rough the last few nights, even with the Seroquel. Which I certainly didn’t take last nite, I’d never have gotten up this morning otherwise.

So right now, I’m feeling tired. And spent. But not irritated. And not depressed. I had a pretty good day for the most part, I did some shopping, watched Dark Knight Rises, took the oldest to the park, and saw Iron Man 3, again. Robert Downey Jr. always cheers me up. Has anyone else ever wondered if he was possibly bipolar? Not that I’d wish this on anyone, but I’d love it if he were. At least, if he’d come out in the open with it and embrace it as part of himself. Or maybe it’s just the characters he likes to play, who knows? I watch him act, and watch the characters he plays, and I always wonder. I mean, watch him in Sherlock Holmes, or in Iron Man, doesn’t he seem to be running totally manic? I love his portrayal of the craziness we feel inside. At least he’s not making people with mental illness look like gun slinging psychopaths. You know, like the news seems to want to portray us.  But I’m definitely digressing here.

I’m going back to how I’m feeling. I’m feeling good I think. I’ll take that for the time being and just accept and embrace the positive emotion.