Day 3: A Letter To My Schemas

I was given the assignment to write a letter to my schemas a few months ago to try and get out the emotions that I was bottling up inside me. I’d like to share that letter with you all.

To all my schemas:

I hate you. I despise the fact that I’m stuck in these unhealthy belief systems because of everything that’s happened to me. I hate that I can’t get close to others because I’m scared they’ll hurt me. I hate that I can’t figure me out because I’m just as scared of myself as well. I hate that life has been unfair to me and thus creating all this mistrust in the people I want to care about. I hate how I can’t form new relationships with people because I’m scared they’ll eventually push me away. I hate that I generally distance myself first so I’m not hurt when they do it because it ultimately always happens.

I hate that I feel so isolated from the world and that I feel not one with my community or family  or anywhere really. I desperate;y want to belong somewhere and feel cared about and welcomed, but I don’t know how to un-break myself and find a place to belong.

I strongly despise the fact that I see myself as inherently broken and flawed. Because I view myself like this, I believe others view me like this as well. I hate feeling so ashamed of my past and especially how I feel s ashamed of the person I am now. I don’t think I need to be so hard on myself, but I don’t know how to change my perception. I hate how I can’t handle criticism or feeling rejected by the slightest things and I especially can’t stand being blamed for things that aren’t my fault. I feel like it’s led me to over-blame others at times and not take my share of responsibility. I don’t like feeling constantly on-guard and so self-conscious and insecure in my surroundings and interactions with other people. I hate how I have masks I wear so no one sees the genuine me because I’m too afraid to be left vulnerable. I hate being bipolar, I can’t find the happy medium I need to exist peacefully and it makes me miserable. I hate how my meds stifle my creativity, yet there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate taking meds every day for something no one can see. I hate being punished time and time again because I’m bipolar and can’t always control my emotions. I want to come to terms wuth who I am so I don’t feel so insecure around others and so I am finally comfortable in my own skin again.

I don’t like that I put everyone’s needs ahead of my own, to the point that I go without necessities because I feel that the resources necessary to me would be better used elsewhere. I hate that when I go too long without filling my own tank and fulfilling my own needs I overcompensate and go on a spending spree or if I truly want something and can’t afford it, I’m inclined to steal it rather than waste money on me. This also ties into not having good self control and I hate that about me. I try so hard to stay in control of my emotions that I stop feeling completely because I don’t want to be out of control. I can’t complete tasks, if it’s too hard or perceived as too hard I find it almost impossible to do. I go out of my way to avoid discomfort and pain, but by doing so I generally create more discomfort and pain in the long run.

I also hate how I never feel ‘done’, or accomplished, or good enough.  I’m never satisfied with myself, I always feel insecure about nearly every move I make and it is generally because I want to avoid criticism. I wish I could just feel comfortable and known when things are ‘good enough’ or what’s normal so I could keep my thoughts and behaviours more in tune with that.

And most of all, I hate this trapped feeling I have and the overwhelming frustration of not being able to fix this myself and figure myself out without anyone else’s help. I feel more broken because I don’t know which direction to go in or what steps to take to change my life around and I don’t like it. I should know myself and not need anyone else’s help knowing me and I resent myself for being this way. I resent these life traps because I don’t know how to change them and I struggle to use the techniques I’ve been taught that might help. This is just not fair.

Tricia

*Now that you’ve read this (if you stuck with it and didn’t just scroll to the last paragraph here), you probably think I’m a crazy loon who should be locked up. I disagree. I wrote this letter shortly after getting out of the hospital and as one of my first ‘real’ therapy assignments. I’d like to think that if I were to rewrite this letter now, it’d be far less angry and bitter, and that some of the issues with my schemas have been resolved. You’ll have to come back tomorrow to see me thoughts on my first schema, mistrust/abuse. I analyzed my thoughts and reasons for that schema and wrote about it. I’ll be doing thta for all my schemas this week and I’d like you to notice the difference between my letter talking about those schemas, and how I write about them now. So definitely stay tuned for more crazy ramblings from this bipolar mama!

Have you ever written an angry letter? What did you do with it? Did you tear it up, burn it up, or actually send it? Did you even…put it out in the blogosphere for the world to see?

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