Day 7:If you want something done right…

Today I’m writing about the Social Isolation/Alienation Schema…If you remember, this schema refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

This ties into my writing over the last few days, where I’ve mentioned how much I stuck out in school for being who I was. I’ve stuck out everywhere I can think of my entire life.I played baseball as a kid and stuck out there because not only was I terrible at it, but my brother was one of the star players. Oh, and I was the only girl on the team. I was deeply ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t play, and that the entire team looked down upon me, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I was maybe 10 when this was happening. That’s just one example of how much I stuck out as a kid. I continued to stick out in school, not just for being smart, but because my clothes weren’t ‘the right style’, and I didn’t have the confidence to pull off what I was wearing. And as I’ve said earlier, sticking out in an inner city school was horrible.

So I think those events coupled with being ignored by the people who mattered most to me led to me feeling alone in the world, and that I was the only one who looked out for me. I’ve always been the one who’s said if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself, and it’s how I’ve lived my life to a point. In some cases it’s just extreme  I mean, I do all the finances for the house, and don’t let any one help with that, But in other matters I turn a mole hill into a mountain. I insist on taking the kids to the doctors because I worry something might be missed unless I was otherwise there to catch it. We’ve had a few scares the doctors before so I can try and recognize where that one is probably coming from as well.

I’m starting to think these schemas are all meshed together in some ways. Kind of like a Gordion  knot that is warped around itself, you’ll never separate all the pieces. I still have’t talked about my Self-Sacrifice shema, or insufficient self control or my unrelenting standards schemas. And those one are definitely affecting me in the here and now, whereas I think because of the progress I’ve made with my other 2 schemas, social isolation is one I can put on the back burner.

I’m learning to love me, a little  and I’m slowly reaching out of my comfort zone to show my friends the ‘genuine’ me, and they’ve seemed to like it so far.

So I’m going to call this a schema in passing. It’s not dead to me yet, but if I keep up the hard work on my other schemas, it soon will be. (I can almost hear the bugle playing its mournful tune, can you?)

What about you? Are there any other schemas you’ve recognized in yourself that you can improve upon, and maybe even acknowledge that they are no longer negatively impacting your life? Tell me in the comments section, please!

Day 6: A not so ordinary day…no schema therapy today :):

I think writing all these posts are dragging me down because I’ve really been struggling to stay ‘upbeat and positive’ the last few days. I’ve been sleeping more, and dragging more, and had a lot less motivation to get things accomplished. Everyone has been complaining about it, my husband is upset at the state of the house, my mum thinks I’m spiraling into a depression, and I feel like the world is blah. I’ve got to keep plugging along though, if I can just pull through I think it will ultimately be beneficial.

So we’ve discussed my mistrust/abuse schema, and the defectiveness/shame schema. I feel like I’ve made excellent progress in understanding them and myself better, but today I’ll work on another topic and ponder on the ways I can change how I view the world.

This has been a hard day for me to write and keep on going with the schema topic. I haven’t mentioned this before because it hasn’t come up, but my husband was told that he was losing his job 3 weeks ago. He had a year to find new employment or else he could relocate to Oregon and work there. Well, my husband didn’t like those options, so he brushed off the dust on his resume, sent it out, had some interviews and just got offered a job today! We’re so excited, but I’m petrified at the same time.

It’s an awesome pay raise, which our family could use, seeing as we’ve been barely scraping by, but the thing that scares me the most is the insurance changes. You see, I’m quite involved with how our insurance works, due to my extensive health problems and such. We have excellent benefits, and thanks to my hospital stay back in March, we maxed out our of pocket out early in the year. So we paid nothing for doctor visits and don’t (or didn’t) have to pay anything until the end of the year. 

Now that Josh is changing jobs, I’m suddenly forced to make a command decision on which of the two insurance options I should go with, which is best for our family, and what is going to be most cost effective in the long run. It’s a lot of pressure to be under, and I can’t get any answers from BCBS until Monday when they are open again. So I get to spend all weekend stewing and worrying about stuff until I can get my questions answered.

The one thing I’d like to emphasize here has nothing to do with insurance, or pay raises, or any mundane things like that. I’ve been worried about the job thing for the last 3 weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer pondering this matter and praying for a miracle to happen. I never lost sight of the fact that God works on his own time, and I had to go about patiently doing my part while I waited for him to answer my prayer, but I still kept the faith that God had heard my pleadings and would ultimately open a door that led to what was best for us. And he did! 

I know from hard experience not all prayers are answered in 3 weeks, or answered so clearly, but this is such a blessing for our family.

It is creating some stresses for us because he will now be commuting to work whereas before he worked 3 minutes away. We only have one car that is fit for that kind of driving, but it is also the only car that will fit our entire family, so we’d be stranded at home all day if he were to take that car. We want to eventually move closer to his job and there is a house that is practically begging us to move into it, but our lease here isn’t up until March. I would love to see if our landlords would let us break our lease, but we can’t afford to lose our deposit. I know it wouldn’t be difficult at all to find new tenants here, our neighbor just rented her house out and it took less than 2 weeks for her to find someone appropriate to move in. First world problems eh?

This wouldn’t be a big deal if we didn’t have 2 kids in grade school and our lease being up in the middle of the school year. The other thing that saddens me is the fact that I love our ward, I love our home (even if it is a bit cramped at the moment, lol), and I especially love the school the kids go to. I guess I need to spend more time on my knees to get help in working out this conundrum, eh? 

Not to be all preachy, but I know I’m nothing without the help of my Heavenly Father, and it helps keep humble…or at least I try to stay humble. I struggle at times, just like every other mortal, but miracles like these only increase my faith and help strengthen my testimony. I hope that this story can help you see the hand of God in all things, and be reminded that He loves you just as much as he loves my family, and He’s there waiting for you to turn to Him when you need Him.

I’ve loved each and every one fo you who have taken the time to read my blog and especially those of you who have taken the time to comment. I know your lives get busy, so I especially appreciate you. What’s going on in your life right now? Good or bad, I want to know. Let me be a listening ear in addition to just a mouth on the web.