Day 23: Seroquel, really?

I’m putting it out there. I hate Seroquel. I know it is an amazing drug and it does wonders for people, but I still hate it. Never mind the fact that it probably helped keep me out of the hospital back when I was pregnant with my last born, or that it’s helped stabilize me where other drugs have failed. I still despise and detest it. Why such strong feelings you ask? Because it turns me into a zombie. And it makes me fat. I gain so much weight when I’m on it, it’s as bad as Zyprexa.

So why am I bringing all this up now? It’s probably because my doctor has put me BACK on Seroquel. I’ve really been struggling lately, (I’m sure you’ve noticed my lack of a blog a day like I was so vamped to do), and he feels that it’s the best (read: last resort) option available.

I tried going back on it a few weeks ago, and gained 9 pounds in one week. Nine pounds! I quit it, and I’ve lost 6 of those pounds, but still. I’ve officially gotten super overweight again. It breaks my heart.

But I’m desperate. I’ve felt so down and bleak these last few weeks. And for no reason what so ever. Everything has gotten to me. Everything has set me on edge, everything pushes my buttons. I hate living that way, and I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like nothing matters, like I can’t function, like I’m a failure, and like I’m not worth the effort.

So, I did the cost-benefit analysis of staying off the Seroquel versus going back on it. I weighed the pros of Seroquel; like feeling better in general, not feeling so down, (eventually) having more energy, and overall feeling more up. The cons include the weight gain, which leads to decreased self esteem, and the zombie like fatigue, which makes daily functioning impossible until it wears off, and the irritation I feel at being on a drug I simply do not like. After having weighed all these factors, I knew I needed to go back on the drug. It depresses me, but I’ve got to do what’s best for me, even when what’s best for me doesn’t feel like the best thing.

What about you? Have you done something that you absolutely despise because you knew it would ultimately be good for you? How often do you do cost-benefit analysis on things in your life? Do you find these introspective moments helpful? Let me know in the comments what’s worked for you, or what hasn’t!

Wrestling the demons within me

I woke up so depressed this morning and I can’t even explain why. I was just drained and life had no meaning. It was even worse because things had sucked yesterday, but I was able to function, ya know? This morning I couldn’t even get out of bed. It’s days like this that make me hate myself even harder because I couldn’t take care of me, let alone my kids. Elora dressed herself and I didn’t even brush her hair before she went off. Liam went in what he slept in, but I did dress and change Olive, for one. Once she was out though, she kept whining so much that I finally put her in her playpen with a bottle so she whine there and I’d know she was safe…and I fell back asleep.

What kind of parent does this? And this is what it was like for months before I was hospitalized. I can’t go through that again. I’ve been hypomanic for weeks now and I suddenly wake up hating life and wanting to crawl into a hole in the ground. I resented everything this morning, even my poor little girl because to tend her meant I had to get up and move. I hated on me more because I haven’t felt those feelings of resentment since before I was hospitalized, and I thought they were gone for good.

Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve the children I have. They are so good and wonderful, and I’m such a terrible mother to them. Why do they have to suffer because Mom can’t do even their most basic needs? It’s not fair to them, and it only makes me feel worse. I didn’t even want to take my meds today, and I certainly didn’t want to take them as prescribed. Thank God we have the safe where Josh is the only one with the code, because today is one of those days where my old coping skills are begging to be used.

It’s just not fair that I have to deal with this. It’s even less fair that my kids have to deal with it. I mean, I was struggling yesterday, but not so much that I couldn’t take them swimming, and take Liam to swim lessons, and go to the park, and then go to Zumba. I was able to do all that, and then suddenly the next day I hate my life so much that I just want it to end? What is wrong with me? Why am I going crazy? Why do I have to cycle so damn hard? Why can’t it be a nice gradual slope or something? Why is it more like a cliff? Does anyone have any answers?

I’ve forced myself to get online and socialize in my support groups today, and it’s helped, but I don’t feel it’s enough. I have therapy today, and I’m dreading it. I feel so terrible and so miserable that I think this is going to be a not fun session. I wonder if a lot of this has been triggered by the most recent homework assignment I was given because since I’ve been working so hard on it, my mood has taken a sudden and severe turn for the worse. Why is that? What is it about getting this assignment over and done with that is wreaking havoc on my life? My therapist swears that writing will help me, but it always seems to push me down lower. I bounce back up eventually, but right now, I’m scared I won’t bounce back up.

That’s the scariest part of these mood swings…when I hit the depression side, I panic. I feel trapped and scared that it’ll never go away again, and I’ll end up killing myself to stop the pain. I can’t hack feeling so terribly all the time. You have no idea what it’s like to hate being in your skin, when just existing every moment is agony, and you’d do anything to escape that. That’s the hell I was in back in February  and that’s a hell I never want to be in again, yet it seems to be coming again…out of nowhere. How do I help me survive this one?