Sorting through my feelings

I’m a bit down tonight, and haven’t quite figured out why. Things at home are going well, the kids are healthy, the husband is healthy, and I’m stable. My blog and facebook page are exceeding my wildest dreams for interest and participation from people. And maybe that’s what is tripping me up. I am terrified of failure, it’s why I so rarely step out of my comfort zone and try new things…but I’m petrified of success as well, and if I manage to create a successful blog, then wow!, that would mean I can do things and be successful, and trying to believe that would be a huge paradigm shift for me.

How do I overcome these feelings of inadequacy? It’s something I’m working on in therapy, but right now it’s got me tripped up. I’m looking at my blog and thinking to myself, “This doesn’t matter in the least to anyone, I’m not helping change the world view with my little blog.” Hell, I’m not even on the radar for changing the world view and helping decrease the stigma of bipolar disorder. But, and this is what my therapist keeps challenging me with…what if I’m wrong? What if there are actually people reading this and coming away feeling more hope, more power, or more edified? If you are one of those people, please…at least acknowledge it somewhere on my blog, lol. Rate a reaction, leave a comment, even become a subscriber because if I’ve impacted you, I’d love to know it.

Speaking of people who impact our lives, I think what’s got me down today is one of my best friends lost her daughter earlier this week. I’m just devastated over the pain my friend is going through and the fact that I can’t take it away. And she’s so intricately tied to my advocacy role for mental illness, because this is the friend that pushed and finally convinced me that what I had to say WAS important, and that my story could help somebody, somewhere. She said I had the power in me to not only write a great book, but to become a public speaker for the mentally ill, that I could proudly be a face for bipolar disorder. She inspired me so much that I started going to the NAMI groups, joined the NAMI board in my county, and I started taking classes to become a certified NAMI instructor.

She did so much for me in just that year’s time (we’re both so busy, we only manage to get together a couple times a year), and now when she needs help the most, I cant give it to her. I hate feeling so impotent and weak when there should be *something* I can do. I feel trapped and helpless watching her go through this loss.

If you’ve stuck around to this point and are of a prayerful sort, send out a prayer to my dear friend Tomi, that she may be comforted during this time of trial in her life, and I think you’ll be blessed for it.

I know this is my most rambling post yet, but I had some emotions I needed to sort through, and I want to share what I go through with the world so you too can see what the inner working of a bipolar patient’s mind looks like at times. Hopefully you weren’t bored to tears by this post, and hopefully I’ll be over this writer’s block soon and can start adding interesting posts again soon!

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