I wish I could just stay ‘up’ all the time but it never happens. Something always brings me down. Right now I’m down because one of the girls I was in college with has finally graduated, while I’m still sitting here with just my A.A. and that’s about as useful as a GED where I live. I’m so depressed that I didn’t finish school like I could have, and it’s really eating at me. And then other things bother me too, like when I don’t feel accepted by people, even dumb random people that don’t matter in the slightest. I got an IM today from a group owner in a group this morning, and it hurt my feelings for no reason at all. All because I heard the term ‘beepers’ as a word for people with bipolar and I liked it, so I started using it in the group and the GO didn’t approve. Dumb reason to feel rejected right? I mean, I’m telling myself that *logically* it shouldn’t matter, but *emotionally* it does matter.
And that right there is probably my biggest issue. I discount my emotions because I can see the logical side of things and assume the logic outweighs the emotions. I’m hopefully starting to recognize that this isn’t true, but I don’t like feeling emotional pain, so it’s so much easier to shove it down or push it away and just recognize the logical things in life.
Maybe you’ve noticed from my former posts, that hasn’t gotten me far in life. Just a few psych ward stays and a whole lot of emotional damage that needs to be undone. And it’s not getting undone quick enough. My therapist says it takes time, and I have to be willing to open up and be vulnerable, but well…I don’t like being vulnerable. I’m too scared it makes me look weak, and I need to realize that vulnerable and weak are not the same thing.
I just don’t enjoy the wild ride my emotions take me on…I mean don’t get me wrong, I love the highs, but I hate how it can change at a moment’s notice. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, or the people around me, or anything. Who wants to live with a ticking time bomb all the time? I mean, my poor kids…”Oh look Mommy’s in a good mood!” But I wonder if they’re secretly wondering how long that’ll last and what kind of mommy they’ll have in an hours time. And I wonder the same thing. This fear is what holds me back from making future plans, because I don’t know how I’ll be feeling then, and it holds me back from going out and trying to accomplish something big. Take this blog for example…yes I’m thrilled that it’s had 1100 hits…but that really means nothing. I’ve had all of 5 people comment on it, so it makes me wonder what those other 1090 people were doing (some of those hits come from me visiting my blog, so I don’t count them). Do they actually look through what I write, do they just see the title and run away, or what? I don’t know what it means when someone visits my page, I can’t tell if they’re getting any value out of it or not.
And then I start doubting myself. I really want to write a book about being bipolar, but I’m stuck on how to write it. I want it to be a story, starting from my first psych ward stay, but I can’t even bring myself to share the first chapter on here. I run through numerous titles, think I have one, and then lose it. And I’m so scared of even trying. I mean, what if I fail miserably? I think I’m just stuck, lol.
I’m really on a roll with my pity party today, sorry for the long vent. I feel better for getting it all out though, and that’s helpful isn’t it?
So what are your triggers? What can send you into a downward spiral quicker than you can say ‘Jack Robinson’? And if you know, what helps pull you out of it?